Resisting self-care
Self-care is big on everyone’s mind right now, what with lockdown 2.0 here in the UK, surge capacity depletion, the shorter days and colder weather. It’s been a buzzword for months, everyone has their own opinions and versions of it and it really is something we should all be considering during “these unprecedented times” (sorry).
It’s true that self-care can take many forms, depending on how you’re feeling/your circumstances/budget etc. but something I have become aware of recently is that sometimes I’m really bad at doing the thing that I need the most. I resist taking proper care of myself.
This week I gave my digestive system a bit of a reset after experiencing some gut issues. I’ve had issues with my gut since I was a teenager, and know that in times of stress or if I have too many days of eating/drinking the wrong things my body lets me know about it, big time. October wasn’t a very good month for me in terms of my health and dietary choices (covid had it’s part to play), so unsurprisingly I started to feel the all too familiar bloating and painful stomach cramps.
It’s not just this though. There are loads of ways I resist what I know is best for me. I know that I need a walk and some fresh air, but I stay inside occupied by a screen/book/jobs/whatever. I know I need to speak to a friend, but I play out conversations in my head instead and feel like this is good enough. I know I need to eat greens and drink water, but I eat all the chips and drink all the wine. I know I need to move my body, but I spend an hour looking at yoga videos on YouTube and then lose the motivation.
I’m not saying this is an everyday occurrence, it fluctuates, but I definitely struggle to make self-care the regular practice I want it to be.
The truth is I’m searching for a distraction instead of a solution, because ultimately that is so much easier. If I put it off for another day, I don’t have to face all of the uncomfortable feelings of potentially failing, falling-off-the-wagon shame, not doing it right or not being good enough. Perfectionism as an excuse for not trying at it’s finest! Also, self-care can actually take effort and that can be really hard when we’re already expending ourselves in so many other ways.
The thing is, it’s easy to tell ourselves that we’re lazy compared to other people or that it’s too hard to change - it’s the way we’re wired. Our brains have evolved to try and keep us as safe and comfortable as possible as a survival tactic, so if it perceives any action as ‘risky’ to our comfort levels it’ll either kick in with an emotional response to put us off, a story to tell us why it’s not a good idea right now or even dredge up a memory reminding us why it won’t work. It’s clever like that.
But it’s not our brains fault either - the survival mechanism hasn’t changed much (or at all) since we were cavepeople, so it’s only looking out for our best interests - conserving energy and avoiding getting eaten by a saber-toothed tiger!
Thankfully there are some tactics we can put in place to make our brains work for us rather than against us:
Plan ahead - when we plan we are using the higher-reasoning part of our brain. The part that tells us “a daily walk is good for me”. If we schedule in and make time for self-care practices, we know that it’s our higher-reasoning that made that decision for us, and we can trust it more than the primitive emotional brain that just wants to keep us comfortable in the moment (at all costs).
Keep track - by tracking good habits you are creating an evidence base to show progress, which keeps you motivated. You gain a sense of accomplishment once you’ve fulfilled your goal, and this is great for your self-esteem (and future motivation). The novelty of having a visual reminder is also kind of like playing a game with yourself - a competition between the opposing parts of your brain.
Consistency - if you keep up a habit for long enough (around 3 months I believe) you create new neural pathways, which then makes it easier to keep up the habit for longer. You’ve re-wired your brain so that the survival response doesn’t kick in like it used to as it’s learned this is normal behaviour.
Cues - something like 45% of our daily actions are repeated: wake up, check the time, have a shower etc… and we can use this to our advantage. When trying to implant a new habit into your day, set it for around the time you do something else; such as brushing your teeth and then meditating, or eating lunch then going for a walk. If you couple it up with an already established habit you’re much more likely to keep it up.
Accountability - most of us benefit from having someone or something to keep up accountable. This could take the form of an accountability buddy, a deadline or a declaration to friends/social media. If someone is relying on us to get something done we are more likely to do it, but when it comes to keeping ourselves accountable it can be much harder. I find telling people I’m doing something, as well as setting myself deadlines a really useful tool.
With all that said, self-care shouldn’t be yet another stick to beat ourselves with, but at the same time I understand the importance of looking after ourselves and how poor self-care can feed negatively into other areas of our life. It’s all connected. And when we’re looking after our minds, body and spirit it can do wonders for our self-esteem.
Yes, sometimes self-care can look like eating a burger, binge-watching Netflix and the 3 glasses of wine on a Tuesday night. But it can also mean making promises to ourselves, following through and prioritising our wellbeing. It’s that ever-illusive concept of balance again (is there even such a thing?).
Armed with this knowledge, I can make better plans at least. And with awareness I can hopefully understand which part of my brain is making the decisions, and then accept or override as I see fit.
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