Inner Critic
We all have one - that inner part of ourselves that is never happy with our efforts, that over analyses everything we do and wants to keep us small. We can spend months learning, growing, planning and putting the perfect strategy in place; but then our self-limiting beliefs will step in. It’ll throw doubts on our progress, stop us from working effectively or even stop us altogether. What a meanie eh?
Well really, our inner-critic is born from the part of our brain that is concerned with keeping us safe and comfortable and avoiding any feelings of stress or emotional risk; such as hurt, failure, criticism, disappointment or rejection. We don’t have to have had a particularly bad experience or low self-esteem to have a harsh inner-critic, we are actually hardwired for it, and there are many subtle or clever ways it can show up and convince us to not even try.
Fear, self-doubt, procrastination, making assumptions, self-sabotage, critical self-talk, comparison, perfectionism - these all fall under the same ‘inner-critic’ umbrella and all stand in the way of progress towards your goals. It can be so powerful that even when you want something so much and you know, with time, that you can get there; it will stop you from taking action. It can stop you from taking the big leaps you need to take, as well as the small daily actions that will help to move you closer to your goals. Its primary concern is to keep you safe from all uncomfortable thoughts and feelings - which isn’t so mean really. It’s just not that helpful!
becoming aware
The first step when working on your inner critic is awareness. Some people experience an actual voice in their heads, calling them names or telling them they’re not worthy; others may experience feelings without words, or recall memories of a time when things didn’t work out the way they wanted. When you start to feel resistance towards taking action, stop and become aware of those feelings. What thoughts are popping up?
Negative self-talk triggers can include:
self-limiting beliefs: What does your inner critic say that sounds like an excuse? Why does it say you can’t do what you want? What does it say when it’s shutting down possibilities?
Assumptions: What does your inner-critic assume to be true? When does it tend to assume other people think about you? What stories does it tell you that probably aren’t even true?
Re-runs: What repetitive, automatic thoughts have you been thinking for a long time? What memories do you tend to replay over and over? What stories from your past do you tend to talk about?
What phrases do you say about yourself to others that sound mean or judgmental? For example, “I’m always late”, “I’m such an idiot” or “this always happens to me”.
You inner-critic could also be showing up as the voices or opinions of other people. Pay attention to what your inner-critic sounds like, or what it is saying. Does is sound like someone familiar? Where do these opinions come from - is it from your past, someone you know, the media?
What is your inner-critic’s personality?
The worrier: Points out everything that can go wrong. Stirs up emotions of anxiety and fear by imagining disasters, expecting the worst and overestimating the odds of something bad happening. It tends to say “what if?”.
The critic: Constantly judges and evaluates your behaviour and points out your flaws. Jumps on any mistake you make and reminds you of past failures. Compares you to others and assumes they will judge you. Minimises your accomplishments. It tends to say “you’re an idiot”.
The victim: It tells you that you’re hopeless, not making progress or that it’s too hard. It tells you there is something wrong with you, you’re incapable or unworthy. You’re not clever enough. There are too many obstacles in your way. It’s not your fault. It tends to say “I can’t”.
The perfectionist: It pushes you to do better, but even when you do better you still feel like you’re not good enough. There is always more you should be doing. Mistakes and setbacks must be avoided or quickly moved past. It pushes you to seek external validation, achievement, status. Acceptance by others is of the upmost importance. It probably even stops you from taking action because you’re afraid to fail. Tends to say “I need to do better” or “I’m not good enough”.
Once you start to get a better idea of how your inner-critic is showing up for you, it will be easier to think about it as something outside of yourself. Your inner-critic is not you. Your inner-critic is something that shows up when you are stepping outside of your comfort zone. It is something that, when you become aware that they are not your own thoughts, you can decide to ignore. You can even thank your inner critic for trying to keep you safe from emotional harm, but tell them you are going to try anyway.
The more you observe and explore your inner-critic, the more you may learn about why it thinks the way it does. It will then give you a clearer picture of it origins and beliefs and will help you to decide whether these beliefs are serving you or not. Knowledge is power, and with a clearer understanding of this part of your inner-workings you can decide to take that power back.
getting comfortable with discomfort
The biggest change you can make in order to push past any self-sabotaging behaviour is to practice getting comfortable with discomfort. Often when we’re working towards something we really want, there will be a part of ourselves that will resist. This is a prime window of opportunity for our inner-critic to show up and we may start to feel all kinds of really uncomfortable feelings. I, for one, have a really nervous stomach so when I start to feel scared or even excited by something (by the way, these two emotions can be very easily mixed up) my stomach does flips, I completely lose my appetite and it can actually hurt.
You may not feel the discomfort quite so physically, but it may show up for you as racing thoughts or reliving past bad experiences. The best way to get past it is to push through it and continue taking action; often we discover that the thing wasn’t so bad after all, and all those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings were completely disproportionate.
If you’re working towards something that feels completely terrifying and overwhelming, take small steps towards it to get you used to some of the uncomfortable feelings before taking the big leap. An example of this could be doing a ‘talk to camera’ video online (something I know is completely terrifying for a lot of people - me included); start small, maybe with some photos of yourself with captions, then maybe move on to doing a video that includes your voice, maybe you could share a ‘talk to camera’ video with some close friends to practice. This is just an example, but the principle can be applied to anything that feels too big to action right away.
Unfortunately we will never get rid of self-doubt or our inner-critics, but we can certainly take steps towards becoming more aware of what is working for us and what is holding us back and then making a choice as to how we let it control us. Self-awareness is an incredible tool, and knowing the difference between “I’m not good enough, I’m not even going to bother today” and “I’m not my best right now, I’ll try again tomorrow” is life-changing. One sounds so much nicer doesn’t it? We can always do with being a little kinder to ourselves, and knowing which part of us is really looking out for our well-being (and not sabotaging our dreams) is a life-long practice.